


save me

by bossheeseung



Category: ENHYPEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, break up ??, heeseung my beloved i am so sorry, letter format, letter format is always so easy to write idk why, my god im so inconsistent, only angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-23
Updated: 2021-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-26 17:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30109326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bossheeseung/pseuds/bossheeseung
Summary: Or at other moments where I said I could be your supporting pillar, the one to save you when you need- but how could I save you, when I can't even save myself?
Relationships: Lee Heeseung/Park Sunghoon
Kudos: 10





	save me

**Author's Note:**

> i recommend you listen to arcade by duncan lawrence while reading this !! the song didn't inspire this but i just listened to it while this was in my drafts and so i thought it actually kinda fit  
> erm ... have fun reading angst besties !!

"Heeseung, my love..." Heeseung read in a trembling voice, picking up the letter.

_...Before you read this, I'd like you to know that I love you, okay? I'm sure you've seen the emptied out closet and drawers, you've noticed how things are a little, or maybe a lot, different from the morning. And I'm sure you've put together what happened before you read this letter, I know you're smart enough to do so._

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that it's came down like this- I've always known that it would end like this, but I guess I didn't want it to. We haven't even been dating long- but the moment everything started spiraling down, I figured it was better to end things now, rather than later where you'd get more attached to me. I don't want you getting more hurt than you already are._ _I'm sorry for all the broken promises and lies I've made, where I told you that I'd stay with you forever. Or at other moments where I said I could be your supporting pillar, the one to save you when you need- but how could I save you, when I can't even save myself?_

_I know it sounds selfish, please forgive me, my love. I know I sound foolishly selfish and ignorant right now, and maybe I could've talked to you instead of running away like a coward, and I agree, you have every right to be upset, furious, or even despise me. I'd understand- letting you know that I was leaving with a scrappy piece of paper, leaving you behind before you'd even realized. Running away because of something I did to myself, because I was in such a mess that I'd managed to drag you into the mess with me. The only truth out of my lies that I've said to you, was that I love you. Still do, and I won't ever stop. I don't think I could stop, either._

_I've never wanted to hurt you, hyung. I'd tell myself that I'd always be there for you, I'd tell you that as well because I genuinely thought I could stay true to that. I didn't think it would be so hard._

_I'm sure you're wondering why I'd do this so suddenly, especially now that I've confirmed that I still love you so goddamn much. Well, even as a younger child, I always felt overwhelmed by everything - it wasn't only schoolwork, but I made priorities to please everyone around me whether they deserved it or not, to give it my all and my best when I needed to, and to overall be the best and win. I didn't like thinking like it, but after I had my mindset shaped as a toddler, it only stuck with me as I grew older. And when I met you, I fell fast for you, hyung. It was hard not to- who in the world would be able to resist that gorgeous face, the calming voice, a nice guy and one that was talented as well? Certainly not me, and certainly not most people, so I was on top of the world when I got that honor to be your boyfriend. I had won in so many ways just by dating you - I was lucky enough that you were gay, and I was even luckier that the best person in the world had liked me too, out of all the other fish in the sea. In fact, I don't think that I'd ever been happier in my life, than I was in those first few months of us dating._

_I've never had a dull moment with you, and it's not a you problem that things have came down to this, it's me. Only six months after we'd started dating, I felt more and more burdened in a relationship with you. Not because you did anything wrong, not because you were too demanding, but because I felt the need to please you. You've never asked me for much, but yet I felt a need to make you happy with whatever I could because I thought that me myself, I wasn't enough. I'd look at other couples, and think that I had to be a better partner than those people would, and obviously whenever I did try and outdo those people, you'd always give me that beautiful smile and tell me that I spoiled you too much. I enjoyed doing it, though. I enjoyed it so much that it became an addiction, and I did anything for you to smile at me that not only was I competing with other couples, I realized I was competing with myself. And how in the world was I supposed to beat myself?_

_If it's one person I wasn't able to please at that moment, that would've been myself. I couldn't please myself, I couldn't give the best to myself and I couldn't win against myself. I didn't mind that, if it was for you, but the more I thought of it the more I got frustrated. I'd do all sorts of sweet gestures and then melt the moment you smiled at me, and I'd be overjoyed, until I realized I was still competing with myself. Not only was I fighting myself, but I also grew that addiction of seeing your smile - it truly is something, isn't it?_

_I can't really imagine what I'm supposed to do now that you're not by my side, and I'm once again so sorry that you had to be dragged into my mess that I created. I'm so sorry that I've lied to you and hurt you. I'm so sorry that all this happened to you when you did nothing wrong._

_And honestly, I'm well aware you may be blaming yourself, rather than me. Please don't blame yourself for any of this. I was the one who chased after you for a good few months until you'd given me a chance- getting me in the relationship wasn't your fault. I was the one who wanted to please you - you were never demanding or pressuring me. And I was the one who got addicted to your smile - certainly isn't a you problem. And before you say that you could've smiled more at me, that would've never worked. The more you would've smiled at me, the more I would've gotten addicted and longing for more._

_Yet, all the pain is going down on you, and I'm so sorry that it did. At the end of this, I couldn't please you even though that's what I've wanted since forever. I only did the opposite, I hurt you, I broke your trust, and I left you while you dedicated so much to me._

_Th_ _e last thing I could ever do for you is get you something, something that would help you back onto your feet and motivate you. That's why I got you a studio microphone set, you know, the one you always wanted. That glimmer in your eyes whenever we would go to the store and you saw it, but you always told me to not spend money on you even though I had the financial ability to. I wanted to, though, I'd spend money on anything for you. And I did, maybe just a bit too late. But I have no regrets buying this for you, you have the most beautiful and softest voice I've ever heard and I know that you can get yourself so far with this. Yet another thing I'll miss about you, it seems._

_Please don't ask for me- for a fact, nobody else even knows I've left besides you. Please forgive me for being so selfish, for being everything but that boyfriend you deserve._

_I love you so much. Always and forever. But one of us has to leave. That's how it was meant to be, wasn't it?_

_\- Yours, Sunghoon._

**Author's Note:**

> !!! my most recent work before this was coincidentally named i'm fine while this was named save me and save me comes BEFORE i'm fine and now i'm thinking of writing a small series and name them with bts titles like i need u, where i'd write about what happens after this moment- and it'd obviously be different ages than enhypen rn bcs heehoon couldn't have been that in love and mature when they were only 14... but then again, i still can't finish soulmates and it's just the seven of us so that means i'd have three ongoing series/works but ... i like the idea a lot.


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